Today is really, really tough. Five years ago today our sweet baby boy, Ferdinand Valentine Leger or "Ferdie", crossed over into eternity. I was only pregnant for four months, but they were wonderful months. It was a surprise pregnancy for my husband and I and we were thrilled (after the initial shock wore off). We had two boys already and thought our family was complete. I had always longed for another child, but was resigned to the fact that we were done. Miscarriage never crossed my mind. I had always had easy pregnancies and didn't expect this to be any different. I had morning sickness for the first time ever with a pregnancy. I was excited to work with a midwife for a home birth. I was starting to show and was just getting into maternity clothes. Yet, suddenly, here I was dealing with the fact that I would never get to raise this child. It was devastating beyond words. We got to hold him for a bit and marvel at how God was knitting him together. We know it is a rare glimpse at how perfectly we are made even at only a few weeks. We have never shared pictures of him. It is just so personal. My husband still, after five years, doesn't want to share pictures. It is out of respect for him, I will not post pictures of our baby here. I will say that he was amazing with his tiny hands and feet. A perfect little baby in miniature.
I still mourn even after these five years. The weirdest times it will just hit me. Life goes on. Friends get pregnant and have babies. You rejoice for them. I still feel the emptiness. Someone is missing from our family. I took pictures of our empty cradle just days after losing Ferdie. It was part of my mourning process. I had acquired the cradle just a week or so before losing Ferdie. Little did I know that it would be used during my mourning just a few days later.
I was surprised by the different reactions of friends. It was marked between those that had experienced a miscarriage and those that hadn't. Those that had, called and listened to me as I worked through my grieving process. Those that hadn't, sent flowers. I am thankful for both forms of outpouring. I am also thankful for the prayers that went up for me during that time. I felt them. Even years later, people that I just meet tell me that they prayed for me during this time. Wow!
I am thankful to God for helping me through this process. He continues to be my strength and a very present help in times of trouble. Psalm 46:1